MY BELOVETH MOTHER

SHE CALLED ME ABEEBEM; HER NAME WAS EGO ARMY- MY BELOVETH MOTHER Childhood is a time of happy innocence, with so much activity, warmth from your family, and fun and curiosity at all you're learning and experiencing. Yes, my childhood included many of these things: an adoring family, fun activities, sports, arts, crafts, vacations, church, school, friends, birthday parties, mother-daughter gist even though I was barely 9years old. But when my mum died, my world was crushed. It no longer mattered to me how good my life had been. My experience taught me God did not love me. The loss I felt screamed in my ear that God was not good. And the pain I felt in my heart told me things would never, ever be good again. I tried as much as I could to reconcile a good and loving God with the death of my mum. Deep down I wanted to trust and believe that God was loving and all this was just a farce to test my faith. That my mum was somewhere on earth or in heaven, and not buried in the ground. I wanted to believe more than anything, its 23years now and no sign of my mum. Just like yesterday. Within me i resolved that no one would see me cry. If everything else shattered around me, I would remain stable. But I couldnt. My anger was so overwhelming; I could not manage it. I was furious at everyone. God. Why didnt He stop this from happening? My family. Why wasnt I informed about what was happening? My friends. Why do they all have complete families when mine was no more? Didnt they know how lucky they were to still have a mum? Myself. I should have done something to help. I began doing the things my mum used to do like making sure my kid brother was okay. That he had eaten dinner, done his homework. I did laundry. I cleaned. I did all I could to be calm amidst the chaos churning all around me, and within my own soul. I grew more and more bitter. Hmmm! What nine-year-old has to endure these things? Why is my life so different from those around me? Why did this have to happen to me? Will it ever be well? Will I live the rest of my life like this? Will I ever feel happiness again? After my mums death, I concluded that either God wasnt real or He doesnt love me. Since I prayed for my mum to live, and she died. Months turned to decades as I sat in this place of anger, pain, and heart break. And then something unforeseen happened. Being comforted of Gods love, His mercy, His goodness it changed my life. His Gracious provision, His bringing back what I lost, His mending my broken heart, these are all evidences that He is who He says He is Ekwueme. That He can do what He has promised. Hes so much greater than our thoughts. Hes so much deeper than our mouths can say. He loves in such a way that no other love can come close. He blesses even more than we can ask. Hes a restorer of the broken. youre still so young and you experienced a great loss with so much life ahead of you. You often wonder how you can make it through the rest of your life without the parent who is no longer here. On the outside, you are calm. You keep a smile and hold your head up high. You meet new people and want to tell them your story, maybe they will understand. Every day is a good day until a memory strikes you like it did to me today. You could be having a normal day until something triggers your memory. It could be a song. It could be a picture. It could be a moment. You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remember the memory. Because that is all you have now, memories. Sometimes, tears roll down your face. And then those tiny tears can turn into a few minutes of sobbing. You wonder if it will ever get easier. Because you heard that it does get easier. It wont be so sad. It wont be so bad. It gets better. Someday People have told you that the memories wont always make you feel so sad. One day, it will make you smile instead of cry. Thus far, you still experience the heartbreak and the daily reminder that your parent is no longer here on Earth. And it just hits you gbam! it could be you may want to share some wonderful news like youre pregnant, you bought a house or you just put to bed. But you cant. You feel sadness because they arent here to see it, talk about it and to live it with you. This pained me even more NO ONE walk across the graduation stage with me or to hold their grandbabies. You try as much as you can to live your best life, because people keep telling you that is what they would want. but this is so hard. When youre young and lose a parent, its a loss like no other. Its not like losing a grandparent that lived a long and beautiful life. Its an unfair loss. Its a loss that leaves you doubting life, doubting things that you could have, should have, should have done. I could have helped. You now, unfortunately, are a member of an unspoken club. No one to pour out your heart to except God Almighty. It never gets easier. It may be one year; it may be ten years; it can be twenty years. Its still hard. It is perfectly alright, to just cry. You can still grieve; it doesnt have to be a fresh loss; you can grieve for as long as you want. That leaves me with one last thought, you out there who loss a parent at very tender age, Its been almost twenty-three years for me and I am still grieving. Im not crying every day, but I am still grieving in my own way. And thats okay. It doesnt make me weak. It makes me human I hope you find something that repairs that broken piece. So Im closing this letter with an advice, love your parents and take care of them while you can. For you will know their value when you see their empty chair. They are irreplaceable.